Dear Mr Potter
by Pixiestick88
Summary: How do you defeat the Dark Lord? Simple, let him spend a few weeks with 5 Pregnant witches. Some swearing.


Written as letters sent to Harry Potter and his friends

* * *

When the Boy who lived just wouldn't die, Voldemort thought the best way to get to him was kidnap his pregnant wife along with other pregnant members of the order.

Read Voldemort's letters of demand to Harry, proof that you do not mess with a Pregnant women!

* * *

To Harry Potter

Potter I have them, your darling red headed Weasly wife and your friends. What a pity they are all pregnant, I wouldn't want anything to happen to them.

Face me Potter - alone and I will return most of your women, unharmed.

The Dark Lord

Lord Voldemort

* * *

To Mr Draco Malfoy

My my my Draco, look how far you have fallen. Your failure as a Death Eater was definitely worth punishing but to touch a Mud-blood and soil yourself by getting her pregnant is just unforgivable.

I will forgive you and your family however if you bring Mr Potter in, along with the other suspecting fathers. Don't worry I haven't hurt your precious Mud-blood - yet!

The Dark Lord

* * *

To Harry Potter

Are you ashamed of yourself Potter? Or are you truly a coward? 3 days and no sign of you. Your poor wife will definitely never forgive you for abandoning her and your unborn child.

No matter, she is of Pure breeding stock, maybe your spawn would enjoy being raised by the Dark Lord while I tell him bedtime stories of his cowardly father

The Dark Lord

Voldemort.

* * *

Harry Potter

1 week and still no sign. This getting to become most upsetting. I advise you come and save your friends. They are becoming very distraught with their captivity.

Tell Mr Zabini though I am pleased he will father the next pure blood line, I am upset to inform him his wife is truly insane, maybe he should reconsider it next time he wants to sleep with Miss Lovegood.

Voldemort

p.s What are Gnargles?

Voldemort

* * *

Potter

I would like to congratulate you on being able to get the She Banshee Weasley pregnant. She would definitely make an excellent Death Eater if she would stop shouting all the time.

As for your other friend her brother, tell him Miss Parkinson has decided to throw away the engagement ring he gave her and I quote " The stupid bloody Weasel is to much of a fucking coward to come save us, screw him and his Order mates"

I would also like to ask why Mr Malfoy refuses to answer my letters? His little Mud blood is not helping by trying to give my slave clothes to set them free.

Voldemort

* * *

Potter

You are testing my patience - I am not a very forgiving man.

Come and save your women, or do you truly not care for them? Are there unborn children so meaningless to you?

Voldemort

Potter

I will consider your freedom as well if you come to retrieve your friends. I am only offering this opportunity once!

V.

* * *

Potter

Come and take your friends, they are no longer hostages.

* * *

Fucking bloody Potter

Answer me dammit. I have removed all wards off the premises. Come and take your wife and her nightmarish friends. I do not have the patience or time to deal with 5 pregnant women.

Tell Mr Knott his wife is finally past her first trimester - whatever that means.

* * *

Harry, Draco,Ron,Blaise and Theo.

Please come and retrieve your women. Bellatrix has started to lose her mind. She is wearing shorter more revealing colorful clothing. I do not want to play hide the basilisk in her chamber of secrets.

Your women have brainwashed her.

* * *

Brave men

Please I beg you come and take the women. The Death Eaters have agreed to babysit all their children once their born.

Lavender has asked me to tell Theo she is craving avocado and chili covered lemon wedges. Please send some ASAP as we have run out.

* * *

Men of the Order

Bellatrix has finally succumbed to the dark side, my room if already set out like a nursery. Mudblood I mean Miss Granger thinks i'd make an excellent father. Miss Weasley has scared off my last Death Eater. Mrs Luna Zabini has trained Greyback into a house dog? Pansy has taken the ring back one the condition Mr Weasley accepts the name of their unborn daughter to be Rain Julia Mildred Parkinson Weasley.

Lavender has stopped throwing up all over my manor, she has eaten all my chilli plants - leaves and all.

Miss Granger has used all the tissues and napkins and even toilet paper in the house.

I do not care...I mean the women wish to tell you how they are doing

Please please Potter come and take them -I beg you please

* * *

To the Amazing boy who lived (howler)

If I turn myself in will you take the women away? Please please let me no

"No Mrs Potter I will not tell Potter that the twins kicked...ouch...alright"

"The twins kicked Potter - there happy. Ouch Miss Granger that was...ouch ok fine

All your women miss you very much and cant wait to show you how big they've all gotten.

The love you all..."grumble"

* * *

(another howler)

I submit Potter. This is not worth it - I would gladly spend eternity in Azkaban. Please please please take them back

* * *

(last Howler from Voldemort)

Potter please save me, I beg you. Ill take the dementors kiss, I'll give you all my horcruxes just please please save me.

* * *

Letter - )

To the idiots who got us knocked up and Zabini who is a scrumpty lopsy?

Thanks for not saving us. Like we needed your help anyway. We have overpowered Voldemort suffice to say was easy - he was curled up into a ball sucking his thumb mumbling about the boy who was braver then him. Honestly Harry you make out he was some evil genious you couldnt defeat? I mean it was so easy.

We would ask you to come retrieve him and send him to Azkaban but the poor thing seems to off lost his mind. Besides you'd probably take all the credit and forget to mention your wife or her amazing friends.

We also wish to inform you we refuse to come home, Voldemort castle has turned out to be an excellent place to raise our children. We have all ready baby proofed everything even the dark stuff we couldn't remove.

You are welcome to see your children if you grovel at our feet enough and beg for forgiveness in refusing to save us.

Yours truly - the amazing women having your evil spawn children

Hermoine, Ginny, Pansy, Lavender and Luna.

* * *

"What did I tell ya, piece of cake" Harry said a he stretched his arms then placed him behind his head as he reclined in a sofa at Malfoy Manor with his poker buddies.

"Fuck I can't believe it" Theo looked amazed again down at the letter.

Harry and his companions had one night while playing there usual weekly round of poker discussed their partners and there impending fatherhood. Each comparing how each women was going through extreme hormonal changes along with strange food cravings, unusual sleeping patterns and constant crying over their sudden weight gain.

They'd joked how they should be given medals of bravery - especially Harry, Draco and Ron who seem to have it worse, each of their women suffering the most, Ginny's fiery temper shamed even Ron himself constantly yelling at Harry and blaming him for her predicament.

Pansy changed her mind every few seconds, first she adores Ron, then hates how he knocked her up, demanding the wedding be moved up so as to not shame herself or her baby. Then she'd cry and express her love for him.

But nothing compared to Draco Malfoy - Hermoine Granger spent every day giving the man mild heart attacks. If it wasn't her Gryffindor bravery constantly doing the most life threatening stupidest things such as using his broom to fly around the Manor and washing the windows by hand, (her sudden fear of heights disappearing the moment she got pregnant) or walking into the nearby forest and making a list of all the deadly and dangerous creatures in their -without her wand -wondering if any would make a good guard dog-babysitter.

Her mood swings where the scariest. She would go silent and just glare at Draco, no shouting or screaming, no tears or sniffling. No she would disappear then an hour later saunter in or her case waddle as she got bigger and smile sweetly at him, telling him she does love him - only to find later on she had set his broom on fire, shrunk his favorite suits (the charms unremovable except by her) and made him sleep in the house elves quarters while they got the guest rooms.

Draco definitely deserved a medal.

It was at this point Ron joked about Voldemort running the other way, the women a force to scary for even him to handle.

Harry thinking it was brilliant set the plan in motion - let Voldemort kidnap the women and see how long it take for him to fall.

Draco now spoke up

"So i'll get the flowers, Zabini you got the chocolates and the rest you men can help carry the gift baskets"

They all had agreed the women would be furious upon hearing how they hadn't attempted to rescue them - they wouldn't tell them truth just a few small white lies and accepted they'd need to grovel - but they new it was worth it in the end having the most powerful wizard of all time being finally brought down.

They all stood up now ready to leave when an unfamiliar owl came in a dropped a howler on the coffee table in front of them - the thing opened immediately with the girls shrill giggles and excitement heard as one of them tried to shuuush them

"We have amazing news - Draco darling your going to have a cousin - Bellatrix is pregnant" another bouts of giggles and girly cheers then the howler stopped and landed back on the table.

Each man looked at if they'd seen a ghost, their complexion paler and sickly looking even for Draco who was the palest of them all.

It only toke another few seconds before they all fainted, each landing on the floor ungraciously.

Luscious hearing this entered wondering what was going on, seeing the howler he opened it to read what was announced a few moments ago.

Luscious then paled himself, throwing the damn thing back on the table he shouted out for "Tinty" his house elf demanding the creature pack all his things immediately, then shouting out to Narcrisscia about some important Order business, needing to leave the country for possible a year.

The End.


End file.
